April 04, 2016

Trying To Go Listless

At some point I'd forgotten I had this space to carefully sort through my thoughts like flashcards into piles for 'Happy', 'Sad' and everything else in between. But I'm back.

I should really stop complaining about how fast time passes because I need to do a better job keeping track of it. It's been four months since I last wrote something here and I think in this case the absence has helped the words fall of my tongue easier.

In the space of ten weeks or so, I've learned that it's perfectly normal to fall short of people's expectations. I picked myself up after extensively analysing the situation as if my life was played back in slow motion for commentary. The important thing learned is to never fail yourself.

I've missed a few important deadlines as well, both social and of the work sort. It's rough and I have to say at times I really wasn't at peak performance like I expected of myself. But we take the good with the bad and on measure life turns out to be pretty good after all.

In this time, I've probably designed more powerpoint slides than I ever thought I would and done more research than I thought was humanly possible. And getting used to liking it in the process made me realise that I'm quite the fast learner. I continue to surprise myself.

The deluge of group activity has also led me to confirm some fixed parts about my personality. In that I still very much rely on what is known and reliable by sticking close to them. It's a tried and tested method that's prevented letdowns on more occasions that I can remember.

Each week has moved from the last in the same manner of to-do lists and checking them off one by one. I'm fortunate to be learning and I remind myself that it is a blessing. But for now I think I'm ready for Summer. It's about time.

January 18, 2016

Which End Of The Pool Are You In?

At various stages of my life I've been asked many of the following questions:

"Have you thought about what you want to do in future?"
"What are you going to study/specialize in?"
"Where do you see yourself in the future?"

I've thought a lot about this lately and I think one reason why we're so ready to inquire about someone else's future is because we hope that their answer would in turn give us some clue about what to do with our own lives.

It's a scary thing to know what the future holds and I think this goes for most people not just myself. To be so sure and certain of what you'll be doing some months or years down the road is perhaps a luxury many don't really have the ability to fathom.

Yet it seems that this is an increasingly important criteria to pass off as someone confident of their career and potential today. I don't deny that this certainty is an advantage on the job front, but it begs the question: How sure are we that things won't change?

For that reason I think 'I don't know' has become a comforting reprieve from this deluge of questions. It's true because well, things can and will change. So instead of being a hundred percent sure, I choose to wade in the shallow waters of unease. It's safer that way.

December 30, 2015

The Year That Was

I've had quite the whirlwind of a year and just hours left till the end of it I wanted to share a smattering of thoughts I've accumulated over the past couple of months.

The most important thing I've learned all year is that time is the only thing we really have. It is a precious currency that should be well spent on everything from the people we hang out with to the things we do. I can't stress enough how crucial it is to use this resource wisely because you never know how much of it you have left. In my role as a student and son I know I have a certain set of responsibilities to fulfil but in the larger scheme of things I believe that I've become better at managing my time and better yet, making the best of it.

Another enlightening lesson for me has been the importance of being alone. On the night of the last day of the semester I packed my bags for Bangkok on a short weekend getaway which proved to be the best, seemingly brash decision I've ever made all year. In truth I was more afraid of not being able to have enough time to prepare for the imminent finals than the fact that I was venturing into a foreign country alone. How naive I was until I learned the aforementioned lesson on time. I'm comfortable doing a couple of things alone like shopping for clothes, eating out and even going to the movies. But travelling alone remains the top on my list and I've become better at enjoying my own company.

This past month I've been grappling with the notion of goals and purpose. The big question of my life's purpose and meaning seemed to weigh on my mind heavily during the free time during the holidays. Most days were spent re-evaluating life choices and cooking up improbable scenarios which did little to help. It was not before long I realised for myself that it's really fine to not have all the answers. It's great if you decide to take a break and not do anything. No one is keeping a tally of how effectively you are maximising every waking moment to "realize your potential". That shit's on you and you are only accountable to yourself. As for the need to rush through everything? It's high time for me to slow down and put in the hours towards good work. Rome wasn't built in a day.

What better way to start 2016 than leaving 2015 having loved, lost and learned?

December 29, 2015

Out Of The Ashes

Yet there is beauty to be found in rubble signifying a rebirth upon new foundations.

December 12, 2015

When I'm Afraid I Think In Pictures

I'm afraid of many things. Missing deadlines. Getting caught with my fly undone. Tripping on my way down an escalator. And other Final Destination stuff like that. But chief among them is the fear of death, dying early, the works.

I was right in the middle of a class when I got the call that a friend of mine had passed. I remember everything that unfolded in vivid detail. My phone had a couple missed calls and an urgent text. I brought myself out during the break to call back and that's when the news dropped. I stood near the window just staring blankly. I still remember my first thoughts being that this was all a cruel joke. The person on the other end asked if I was okay before hanging up and I replied I was as convincing as possible. The truth is I was already numb beyond words by then.

The rest of the semester was a blur of emotions and deadlines. It was truthfully a trying time because a part of me needed a little space and time away from everything to process all that had happened. But there was a timetable that wasn't going to give way. Not until much later. So I soldiered on for myself. I thought, 'This would be what he'd want for us to do. Move on.'. I tried.

I had initial ideas to occupy myself during the holidays with a small project like I did this Summer. But all that changed once I received the news. I desperately wanted to make something that would allow me to deal with all these emotions I felt. Writing them down still didn't feel like enough.

The idea to do a short film never escaped me. While I was fearful of my ineptitude the first time round, I was more preoccupied with making something that would make sense not for anyone but me. In some way, this was my form of therapy.

After many initial drafts and scrapped ideas, I came up with something I felt was worth making. Yet I still had my reservations on top of artistic anxieties. But with the help of two very loving friends, 'Goodbye' was eventually brought to life. This short deals with all the fears of losing a friend and someday I hope I can look back at this chapter of my life and see that it was a right decision for me to pursue this project to the very end.